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Mar. 9th, 2004 10:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediA nice day and some thoughts
I had a nice day... took Eleri to a sleep study appointment (it's just a new patient appointment) and then took the Mouse to the zoo. She loved it.. She seemed to especially love the elephants, the monkeys and the sea lions. It was a good day, even if it left me very tired for some reason.
We took some pics while we were there of the Mouse looking at animals. I appeared in a few of these pics, and it struck me how different I look now then 4 years ago. The pic Ive been putting up on tribe.net and OKCupid and that sort of place is a really nice pic of me from about 4 years ago.
I don't look that nice now. I look heavier (I've always been really heavy, but I think I look heavier now than before). This actually continues to surprise me. I don't feel like a big person. In fact, I feel rather small most of the time - it surprises me vaguely when I can't fit into a seat at a restaurant or I see myself towering over other people. Even compared to Eleri, who is much shorter than I... I feel small a lot of the time. It's like my mind just refused to accept the scope of the space I take up.
Also, I look scragglier than I remember. This has gotten me worried as I need to be looking nce for a wedding I am officiating in a week or so. But I seem to have a lot less hair on top of my head than I remember. The ravages of age, I know. But it still sort of surprised me.
I got my hair cut a few weeks ago... I couldn't describe to the barber how I wanted it cut, I like my hair long, but I was getting tired of looking like every second guy in the SCA. I wanted something different, but I couldn describe it. So my haircut came out all weird. I went to go get one to clean it up, but the same thing happened.
So my hair is all weird. I've been wearing it in a pony tail (which it barely fits in now) jsut so I don't have to deal with being self-conscious about it. But like I said, I have a wedding soon. I don't clean up as well as I used to.
I've been considering just getting it cut mostly short and then growing out from there (I did that once a few years ago). Or maybe I just need to do something radically different, now that I have less of it to work with. I don't know.
Yeah, not really up to my usual depth of thought, but it's been on my mind. I don't worry as much about growing old as much as wearing down. And the hair and weight feel more like symptoms of the later.
I've been having trouble typing. I keep transposing letters. It's been getting slowly worse over the last few years. I wonder if that is a sign of fatigue as well.
Some of these issues didn't bother me as much in high school or college. I felt that there was a counterbalance - that my energy made up for my overweight body, or my vaguely goofy looks or vague confusion over mainstream values. As I have issues with fatigue, my energy level goes down, so it feels like I'm losing what made me special. or at least what made me believe in myself.
At the same time, I don't buy the idea that once you get older that you automatically lose touch with the world, or turn conservative, or become uninteresting. Hell, I know too many people older than I who are incredibly interesting, energetic, perceptive, flexible people.
And I want to be like that. And a dirty old man to boot. ;)
I sometimes have to remind myself to not view myslef as a frumpy geek. I want to be interesting - I want to think of myself as cool in some geeky sort of way, just so I can be someone I'd be proud of.
Work is tomorrow, 6am. I have very little motivation for it. I'm tired of it ruling my life. I've put out my 110% for it and I don't want to do that anymore.
I need to get a new job, break into a new career or something. But I really don't know anything but Tech Support. I have some apps out - let's see how they pan out.
I've lost motivation for a few things lately - an online Nobilis game I was in, the fan based Myst game I was the linguist for, even my own email game.
I'm not sure where the motivation is all going.
I got to see Tommi on Sunday. We had a nice talk. There were a lot of pauses followed by "Well, not much more is happening in my life..." My life feels very full. My hobbies make me happy. But I do understand that most people really don't care.
But it doesn't sound like a bad life really when I am in it. I think we're taught to expect the wrong things from life, looking for too much glamour and not enough really day-to-day joy built out of lots of little things. or we are given warped ideas of what meaning and beauty really are.
I had a nice day... took Eleri to a sleep study appointment (it's just a new patient appointment) and then took the Mouse to the zoo. She loved it.. She seemed to especially love the elephants, the monkeys and the sea lions. It was a good day, even if it left me very tired for some reason.
We took some pics while we were there of the Mouse looking at animals. I appeared in a few of these pics, and it struck me how different I look now then 4 years ago. The pic Ive been putting up on tribe.net and OKCupid and that sort of place is a really nice pic of me from about 4 years ago.
I don't look that nice now. I look heavier (I've always been really heavy, but I think I look heavier now than before). This actually continues to surprise me. I don't feel like a big person. In fact, I feel rather small most of the time - it surprises me vaguely when I can't fit into a seat at a restaurant or I see myself towering over other people. Even compared to Eleri, who is much shorter than I... I feel small a lot of the time. It's like my mind just refused to accept the scope of the space I take up.
Also, I look scragglier than I remember. This has gotten me worried as I need to be looking nce for a wedding I am officiating in a week or so. But I seem to have a lot less hair on top of my head than I remember. The ravages of age, I know. But it still sort of surprised me.
I got my hair cut a few weeks ago... I couldn't describe to the barber how I wanted it cut, I like my hair long, but I was getting tired of looking like every second guy in the SCA. I wanted something different, but I couldn describe it. So my haircut came out all weird. I went to go get one to clean it up, but the same thing happened.
So my hair is all weird. I've been wearing it in a pony tail (which it barely fits in now) jsut so I don't have to deal with being self-conscious about it. But like I said, I have a wedding soon. I don't clean up as well as I used to.
I've been considering just getting it cut mostly short and then growing out from there (I did that once a few years ago). Or maybe I just need to do something radically different, now that I have less of it to work with. I don't know.
Yeah, not really up to my usual depth of thought, but it's been on my mind. I don't worry as much about growing old as much as wearing down. And the hair and weight feel more like symptoms of the later.
I've been having trouble typing. I keep transposing letters. It's been getting slowly worse over the last few years. I wonder if that is a sign of fatigue as well.
Some of these issues didn't bother me as much in high school or college. I felt that there was a counterbalance - that my energy made up for my overweight body, or my vaguely goofy looks or vague confusion over mainstream values. As I have issues with fatigue, my energy level goes down, so it feels like I'm losing what made me special. or at least what made me believe in myself.
At the same time, I don't buy the idea that once you get older that you automatically lose touch with the world, or turn conservative, or become uninteresting. Hell, I know too many people older than I who are incredibly interesting, energetic, perceptive, flexible people.
And I want to be like that. And a dirty old man to boot. ;)
I sometimes have to remind myself to not view myslef as a frumpy geek. I want to be interesting - I want to think of myself as cool in some geeky sort of way, just so I can be someone I'd be proud of.
Work is tomorrow, 6am. I have very little motivation for it. I'm tired of it ruling my life. I've put out my 110% for it and I don't want to do that anymore.
I need to get a new job, break into a new career or something. But I really don't know anything but Tech Support. I have some apps out - let's see how they pan out.
I've lost motivation for a few things lately - an online Nobilis game I was in, the fan based Myst game I was the linguist for, even my own email game.
I'm not sure where the motivation is all going.
I got to see Tommi on Sunday. We had a nice talk. There were a lot of pauses followed by "Well, not much more is happening in my life..." My life feels very full. My hobbies make me happy. But I do understand that most people really don't care.
But it doesn't sound like a bad life really when I am in it. I think we're taught to expect the wrong things from life, looking for too much glamour and not enough really day-to-day joy built out of lots of little things. or we are given warped ideas of what meaning and beauty really are.
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 12:30 am (UTC)I think perhaps you are a feeling a little critical of your looks right now? BFWIW, I think you are very sexy. And it has more to do with your energy than anything.
( and of course, those incredible eyes.)
Growing older for me has been cathartic. The main reason is after a certain ageou really stop giving a shit about what people think and just enjoy life. It has been that way for me recently, and I adore it.
Just curious- careerwise, what would love to be doing for a living if money were no object?
*hugs you happily*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 04:06 am (UTC)Honey, you're tired because you almost never get a break. I wish I new some way to help with that.
As for your PbeM game - don't worry about it on my account. I adore it, but I only want to play if you're excited about it. Work on it when you're moved to, and don't if you're not. It shouldn't feel like an obligation.
I'm with you - we are taught to expect the wrong things. I'm still struggling with the difference between what I truly want, and what I was raised to see as important. I find it a worth struggle.
>>tighthugs<<
no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 07:29 am (UTC)>>sigh<< And still I fight on!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 07:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 08:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 11:35 am (UTC)This could fall into the 'none of your damned business' category, so you might want to just think and not say, but have YOU been to the doctor lately? I know you're running everyone else to appointments, and guys tend to avoid the doctor (sorry for the stereotyping- again). You may have some sort of enemia or fatigue problem that is aggitating your already busy, hectici, stressful lifestyle. Just something to think about.
And shaving your head might help with the SCA look-alike issue. Yarr har!
Hope we can chat soon.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 02:30 pm (UTC)Eleri has been bugging me to go to the doctor for a while. I went like 6 months ago and they sorta shrugged and told me to get some bloodwork done. I dunno if it is stubbornness, but I'm not really up for another round of "Well, you should lose weight and exercise more and maybe see a therapist," I've been getting that since I was 5.
But this new doctor Eleri went to sounds really good. So I've been thinking about going.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 03:40 pm (UTC)And definitely get that bloodwork done.
I'm only slightly hypothyroid and they gave me a patheticly miniscule prescription for it that I was unmotivated to take because I was convinced it wouldn't make a difference. I tried it though, and I got a new wave of energy I didn't think was possible.
just stuff to mull over.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-10 12:36 pm (UTC)Toilteanas makes a good point. There are LOTS of things that can cause fatigue, and your doctor may be able to help you with some of them.
Take care of yourself.. *hug*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-20 10:33 pm (UTC)I can't tell if you trim your beard regularly, but that would add a lot to the "cleaning up" factor, making sure it's kept smooth and all relatively the same length. I know in the past your facial hair's looked a bit shaggy on occasion. Some people actually go to salons for it, but some cheapish clippers would probably suffice.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-22 08:51 am (UTC)