vaxjedi | (no subject)

A nice day and some thoughts

I had a nice day... took Eleri to a sleep study appointment (it's just a new patient appointment) and then took the Mouse to the zoo. She loved it.. She seemed to especially love the elephants, the monkeys and the sea lions. It was a good day, even if it left me very tired for some reason.

We took some pics while we were there of the Mouse looking at animals. I appeared in a few of these pics, and it struck me how different I look now then 4 years ago. The pic Ive been putting up on tribe.net and OKCupid and that sort of place is a really nice pic of me from about 4 years ago.

I don't look that nice now. I look heavier (I've always been really heavy, but I think I look heavier now than before). This actually continues to surprise me. I don't feel like a big person. In fact, I feel rather small most of the time - it surprises me vaguely when I can't fit into a seat at a restaurant or I see myself towering over other people. Even compared to Eleri, who is much shorter than I... I feel small a lot of the time. It's like my mind just refused to accept the scope of the space I take up.

Also, I look scragglier than I remember. This has gotten me worried as I need to be looking nce for a wedding I am officiating in a week or so. But I seem to have a lot less hair on top of my head than I remember. The ravages of age, I know. But it still sort of surprised me.

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago... I couldn't describe to the barber how I wanted it cut, I like my hair long, but I was getting tired of looking like every second guy in the SCA. I wanted something different, but I couldn describe it. So my haircut came out all weird. I went to go get one to clean it up, but the same thing happened.

So my hair is all weird. I've been wearing it in a pony tail (which it barely fits in now) jsut so I don't have to deal with being self-conscious about it. But like I said, I have a wedding soon. I don't clean up as well as I used to.

I've been considering just getting it cut mostly short and then growing out from there (I did that once a few years ago). Or maybe I just need to do something radically different, now that I have less of it to work with. I don't know.

Yeah, not really up to my usual depth of thought, but it's been on my mind. I don't worry as much about growing old as much as wearing down. And the hair and weight feel more like symptoms of the later.

I've been having trouble typing. I keep transposing letters. It's been getting slowly worse over the last few years. I wonder if that is a sign of fatigue as well.

Some of these issues didn't bother me as much in high school or college. I felt that there was a counterbalance - that my energy made up for my overweight body, or my vaguely goofy looks or vague confusion over mainstream values. As I have issues with fatigue, my energy level goes down, so it feels like I'm losing what made me special. or at least what made me believe in myself.

At the same time, I don't buy the idea that once you get older that you automatically lose touch with the world, or turn conservative, or become uninteresting. Hell, I know too many people older than I who are incredibly interesting, energetic, perceptive, flexible people.

And I want to be like that. And a dirty old man to boot. ;)

I sometimes have to remind myself to not view myslef as a frumpy geek. I want to be interesting - I want to think of myself as cool in some geeky sort of way, just so I can be someone I'd be proud of.

Work is tomorrow, 6am. I have very little motivation for it. I'm tired of it ruling my life. I've put out my 110% for it and I don't want to do that anymore.

I need to get a new job, break into a new career or something. But I really don't know anything but Tech Support. I have some apps out - let's see how they pan out.

I've lost motivation for a few things lately - an online Nobilis game I was in, the fan based Myst game I was the linguist for, even my own email game.

I'm not sure where the motivation is all going.

I got to see Tommi on Sunday. We had a nice talk. There were a lot of pauses followed by "Well, not much more is happening in my life..." My life feels very full. My hobbies make me happy. But I do understand that most people really don't care.

But it doesn't sound like a bad life really when I am in it. I think we're taught to expect the wrong things from life, looking for too much glamour and not enough really day-to-day joy built out of lots of little things. or we are given warped ideas of what meaning and beauty really are.